Parents and Coaches...You're the Problem.

So every Monday, there's always a handful of posts on every youth hockey forum on Facebook that I follow from anonymous posters complaining about "the referees in their last game", and how awful they were, and how they let things get out of control, and then how somebody got hurt...and now they want details on "how" to report the referees to some "higher being" or something for a military style tribunal or something.

Every weekend.

And, hardly a shock, my kids have participated in those games. Many times.

Actually, there was one a few years ago where some video footage of the game went around and I'd say, in youth hockey circles, it could almost be classified as "viral" and, yep, that was my kid's team.

My kid wasn't involved. My voice couldn't be heard because I didn't open my mouth. But it was highly embarrassing just by association.

But in those social media posts, you know, there's always a ton of engagment, err, rage and then some self important know-it-all team manager type parent advises them to "Report it to USA Hockey" and then lists off a ton of email addresses...and then the comments about this ref or that ref, that building, or that league, and then video clips start getting posted and things really get going.

Great popcorn material but...stop. Just stop.

Full stop.

Are some referees less capable than others? Absolutely.

Does swallowing the whistle usually lead to more problems? Yep, it sure does.

Does doing the opposite, you know, whistling every infraction lower the temperature in the room? Hard no on that too.

Does the guy on the internet ever know what he's talking about?
Yes, I'm aware of the irony...

Games get out of control not because of the quality of the officiating but because of shitty coaching and even shittier parenting.

Oh my God. I just said that outloud, didn't I?

Yes.

Shitty coaching.

Shittier parents.

Look in the mirror, anonymous06001...

Look at the parents on your own team.

Look at your coach.

Observe the actions of your assistant coach(es)?!

The animosity on the ice is fed entirely from the vitriol off of it.

Every single time.

The referees are dropped into an impossible situation where the exact same person shouting "Let 'em play! This is hockey!" is the same person later saying "Call it both ways!" or crying online about how their baby got hurt.

Please don't confuse the words animosity and anonymity.

One means you're an asshole...the other means you're trying to hide the fact that you're part of the problem.

So I'll start with the coaching.

Every youth hockey coach knows the tendancies of their players.

If you, you know, have a player that tends to get a little physical over the most minor things or a kid that always defaults to throwing punches over the most minor interactions...sit them.

If it's a game where things are getting heated, without question, sit them.

Good coaches do this.

We had one kid that NEVER saw the ice in the third period of a game. Not cause he wasn't a good player...but cause he had a tendancy to just full out assault someone as the game went on. Coach never gave him the chance...and the kid excelled...and thankfully outgrew that tendancy.

Good coaches are hard to find, though.

Two good coaches, on opposing benches, at the same time -- we'll, that's a unicorn/pegasus combo, right there.

Almost never happens. And, so, games get out of hand.

Meatheads won't believe the outcome I'm about to share but my kids have been in a number of games where there are full on line brawls. Guys pulling other kid's helmets off, executing whatever that professional wrestling move the kids call out "RKO!" on, and just being stupid.

Baseball style stick swing to the head? Yep, seen that a number of times. Even saw a kid attack a referee once.

And I'll never forget that time the police were waiting outside the locker rooms.

That coach fanned the flames.

And punched a kid.

And then snuck out a fire exit but still got arrested.

Ahhhh....youth hockey, am I right?

I mean, if you haven't seen a coach or parent in handcuffs yet, you're not really "officially" a youth hockey parent yet.

It's usually the climax of an already out of control game and if the officials don't just end the game immediately, then and there, often times they'll actually toss all of the offenders from the game.

Lots of screaming from the parents in the crowd, there's always some parent shrieking in a pitch where you can't understand what they're saying, moms from opposing teams will start taking off their earrings and Canada Goose gown style jackets (how do you drive in those things?) preparing to throw down, all while there's a super long delay as the refs have to explain things to both benches as if no one just witnessed what occurred moments ago, and then there are some half dressed players posturing outside the locker room like they're big bad dudes that have been "wronged" in some way...while the players still on the ice, from both teams, group together and have a good laugh about how stupid some of their teammates and parents are... And then the game resumes.

You know what happens then?

Hockey.

For the rest of the game.

Every time. It's so calming and serene. And so out of place, too.

I know they call soccer the "Beautiful Game"...but hockey, in these moments, is even better.

Like, immediately -- all of the hostility is swept right out of the building.

Yep -- you take the "issues" off the ice and their parents out to the lobby, well, the remaining players with something of value between their ears start playing hockey and the game ends without incident when the clock hits 00:00.

It's unbelieveable, sure...but I've seen it happen repeatedly.

I honestly wish the "game misconduct" penalty were utilized more frequently. Maybe that's just me...

But coaches, good coaches, can absolutely control this before anything gets out of hand.

Up next are the parents. I often give coaches the benefit of the doubt cause, like, they have to deal with so many things that most casual hockey families are unaware of.

One of the most stressful and uncomfortable parts of the (mostly volunteer) position has nothing to do with hockey -- it's dealing directly with the parents who treat them as if they're a hired employee, like some help they picked up in the parking lot of Home Depot.

It's the "open house" time of year at the schools right now so it's fresh in my mind. Have you ever been to open house and come away thinking, "Wow, that teacher was really uncomfortable and awkward...I'm not sure how they can possibly teach my kid...."

Well, hello? It's not their job to talk to adults -- that's vastly outside of their wheelhouse. I'm sure they're amazing in the classroom. Cool your jets.

But it's the same idea with youth coaches?! They're there to teach the game and make the kids better players, not manage unrealistic parent egos or, worse, even discuss adjustments to the practice schedule to work around your own personal evening plans.

Been there.

If a coach sits Roger for an entire period cause he's a got a short fuse...they'll then have to deal with mom or dad...who likely have even shorter fuses.

Tough spot to be in -- coaching mite through peewee is NOT an enjoyable, rewarding, or fulfilling way to spend your free time. It's almost never like what you think you've signed up for.

(Note to anyone who is finding this enlightening...don't hunt down your kid's coach to talk...like...ever. They're there to teach the kids how to play...not talk to you about ice time that, I assure you, the coach isn't keeping track of anyway.)

So, yeah, I put most of the blame on the parents.

First thing I take issue with are the parents instilling some sort of warrior's creed on their children for when they put the helmet and shoulder pads on.

You know, teaching kids that if someone looks at you funny, they're disrespecting you...so it's perfectly okay to swing your stick at them.

That whole "creed" or "code" thing is great, I get it... Toughness and courage are things to encourage, absolutely. Just don't go out of your way to pretend "discipline" and "honor" aren't part of the package. Those two so frequently seem to be left out.

Further -- eight, nine, and ten year olds are not warriors.

Neither are 14 year olds.

But moron parents feed that mentality.

Every team my children has ever been on has them. Moron parents, that is.

Well, pretend warriors too.

Thankfully, as the kids get older, their numbers start to dwindle cause, well, first off...parents stop showing up or hanging around and, for their players, it gets really obvious that skills win games.

Not fists.

Not cheapshots.

Skills.

Aside from parents encouraging, dare I say grooming, their children to behave in ways that would be frowned upon outside of hockey (or the octagon), it's the parent behavior in the crowd that turns youth hockey games into hornet's nests.

A hornet's nest you've been throwing rocks at for 15 minutes.

We've all done that.

I once got stung over 45 times -- I played it off like I was okay...but medical attention was onsite, real quick. It was...a learning experience.

Like...hey, rocks-for-brains (me), don't throw rocks. At hornets.

But you know where I'm going -- you've undoubtedly seen it firsthand if you're reading this -- grown adults yelling obsenities at 14 year old referees.

Step back -- is that EVER acceptable?

Like, seriously? Who does that?

We had a father last year, jumping up and down, pacing back and forth in the nearly empty stands, waving his arms around, calling a very young referee, she was maybe 13, a "f#cking homo" during a loser bracket consolation game.

Yeah...awkward. So awkward. But also horrendous parenting too.

If Black Bear TV weren't such a rip-off, I'd have saved the clip for posterity...or to post here.

But it was one of those moments where you kinda try to take off the team sweatshirt you're wearing discretely and slide down the bleachers to try to blend into the other team's crowd.

Yeah...I don't know that guy. And we're certainly not cut from the same cloth...

What sweatshirt?

This one? That I'm wearing inside out?

No, no...I'm here to cheer for both teams...

I've never been one to really yell at the officiating -- not really my style -- but I will say that as my kids completed the USA Hockey Officials seminars to become referees a few years back...I really started to put my empathetic self in a new set of shoes.

At every game I attend, where the referees are clearly too young to have driven themselves, I scan the the crowd.

The referee has a parent watching too and, boy, is it ever uncomfortable to be watching your son or daughter get ruthlessly assaulted verbally by grown adults for an hour straight...for 30 bucks.

And that's what makes them super easy to identify.

But, seriously, I've been that parent before...so, in this case, I don't need to be empathetic cause I've lived it.

So ask yourself -- what if that were your kid out there?

You know, that maybe missed a single meaningless offside call or maybe blew the whistle on a loose puck amid a pile up of kids, some swinging fists, in the crease?

Would you be okay with an adult screaming at them? Calling them names?

Is it okay if your kid's coach is fanning the flames questioning every call or throwing their arm in the arm to signal an offside player even when there isn't anyone offside?

Is it okay to pile on and get loud with that other guy that's getting loud?

Is it going to change the outcome of the game?

Is your kid getting drafted tonight?

Sit down, shut up, and enjoy watching your kid get better at hockey.

And, while you're at it, enjoy watching that referee get better too...even if it's an adult referee.

So, point is...every "out of control" game I've ever attended could have been kept in control not by the officials...but the coaches, first.

And if the damn parents could control themselves, well, the temperature in the room would stay nice and cool...cause, well, I hate to tell you but the kids don't really care that much about the outcome.

Sure, there may be tears in some mite and squirt locker rooms after a loss in a championship game...but 5 minutes later, they're just fine.

They just want to play hockey without getting hurt. Stop ruining that part.

And never forget...your kids are watching.

Don't be an idiot.

» Share on Facebook

---

Related Articles
   » Meaningful Advice For Youth Hockey Parents
   » Pick a Team for Next Season...Logically.
   » Youth Hockey Tryout Tips for Kids Under 10
   » New vs. Used Hockey Equipment
   » A Better Penalty Shot Technique
   » Ebb and Flow of Hockey
   » What is Spring Hockey?
   » Training Aid Overload: Hockey Room Essentials

Agree? Disagree? Let me know -- I love the feedback from all angles!