Disconnect the Emotions

Having worked for a couple professional teams, I'm aware that I'm not a typical sports fan. After the initial excitement of being "part" of the team, like, for real...there was a moment of clarity, err, professionalism that took over which the first month or so.

I mean, I always wanted my team to win, sure...but I never let it have any control over my emotions. It's been that way since...1997.

But I still have "fans" come up to me and be like, "Oh man, you remember the '04 playoffs. We had the roster to go all the way but Balej couldn't finish when we needed him to on that breakaway."

And I play it off like I remember...with a half smile hoping they can't read my eyes drawing a total blank.

Like, I remember it being a good team and I remember getting eliminated in the playoffs, and I remember a photo of Balej I took that was on all kinds of hockey cards...but I couldn't tell what team knocked us out.

Penguins, I think? But I really can't say for certain.

And I don't recall anything being Jozef Balej's fault...

Semi-awkward head nods would follow.

"Yeah, yeah...that was a tough way to end the season..."

When it's your "job" to attend games...and you've been to well over 1000 of them...they do truly all blend together.

It's not that you don't care or aren't engaged...you're invested in a different kind of way, like, it's more that you've acclimated to the situation of "a game" and "emotion" isn't really bubbling up at all anymore.

The pressure of the situation is moot -- not just as an "employee" but even as a fan too.

It's akin to me asking you how your day at work went on Tuesday, May 23, 2023. You're not going to remember cause, well, it was just another Tuesday. It all blends together, right.

That's exactly how it is for hockey teams.

I'll remember the season.

I'll remember the roster and the staff.

I'll probably be off by a year if you ask me "when"...and I certainly won't remember the small details like who scored the third goal in a 5-2 playoff game from 20 years ago.

Big moments? Sure.

I know the Chicago Bears won the Super Bowl in 1986. I know the Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series in 1992 and 1993. I know the Hartford Wolf Pack won the Calder Cup in 2000. And I know the Danbury Hat Tricks won the Commissioner's Cup in 2023.

Okay, fine, I had to look at the ring on that last one. It thought it was 2024...but it was 2023.

The rest of it, though, blends together.

And while I cherish those moments...I don't let them alter my emotional state.

Like, watching the 2025 World Series as a Blue Jays fan, for example...

Would I have been happy if they beat the Dodgers? Sure!

Was I down in the dumps when they lost in extra innings of Game 7?

Nope, not really.

Game ended, they lost, I turned it off, and I'll probably forget that they even made it to the World Series within a couple weeks.

It wasn't that big of a deal for me personally...as a "different" kind of fan.

And that style of "fan"-ism spills into what kind of hockey parent I am too.

I'm a huge fan of a specific 2009, 2011, and a 2015 that I like so much that I made a fan website about them. You're on it right now.

Like, legit, I'm such a super fan that I made a fan website for each of them. That's what this website started as.

But my real job is dad.

Sure, I'm a "fan" of the teams they play for and all...but my real role is simply to get them to games and practices.

Being a hockey parent is a job.

It parallels how my time in pro hockey went.

I remember what teams they played for, who their coaches were, who their teammates were...but I couldn't tell you which season that they lost in the finals. Or which league it was. Or even which kid it was, frankly.

Well, unless I looked it up on this website...if I actually cared enough to look it up.

Truth be told, there haven't been any "moments" so far that I can recall vividly on demand. It all blends together.

So nothing, for me, is ever riding on a single shift, a single game, a single series, or, honestly, even an entire season -- and I try to project that on my kids.

I mean, sure, to them, in the moment...winning a semi-finals game is a BIG deal.

But even when one of them loses in one of those games, it doesn't sour my mood. Not for a second!

The day is not ruined.

The car ride home won't be somber.

In fact, I'm admittedly one of those hockey parents that openly looks forward to losing in the semifinals -- it means your weekend is done and we can go home!

Nothing worse than those 4pm "Championship" games on Sunday...four hours from home, right?

Way better to just be done with it and home by 4pm, in my opinion. Monday comes quick enough...

Especially when the other finalist has like +30 goal differential... Yeah, Black Bear, that's a shot at your tournaments the past few years...

And, sure, that might not be a "popular" opinion, you know, secretly hoping to be eliminated...but that's just me.

I also happen to be one of those rare breeds that prefers practices over games -- total buzzkill over here -- cause I know for a fact that none of my kids have ever gotten better at hockey DURING a game.

That's a conversation for another time...

Winning's not the point in youth hockey -- getting better is.

At every level.

Yes, even though it's not common in the AAA Platinum Elite Super Awesome Leg Lamp League -- winning isn't the be-all and end-all.

It's okay to lose.

I know I've written a couple articles about over-engaged hockey parents losing their minds in the stands during practices and I still see that stuff today.

A crappy practice here or there does not matter.

Losing 9-0 does not matter.

Losing 9-0 in ten straight games, if you can believe it, doesn't matter either. Been there. Look at Duncan's 2022-23 THF scores.

Spoiler alert -- he turned out fine.

Don't let it get you down. And, more importantly, don't let your inability to "let it go" seep into your kid's head.

Seriously...read the article linked above if your team is suffering blowout loss after blowout loss. That's where you can see a player's ceiling on full display.

The one solid thing I can confidently say about my hockey parenting style that I'd consider super successful is that my kids don't let losses or a bad game or a bad shift eat away at them.

That's right...I'm patting myself on the back on this one. It's been nearly a decade since I last did this!.

So, anyway, my oldest was on the ice for two goals against on the opening shift of a U16 game a couple of weekends ago.

Not entirely his fault but it wasn't a great look for the five skaters out there.

They weren't ready to play.

At least not with the fire the opponent came out with...and the two quick goals made that very apparent. First goal was nice. Wicked snipe. Second goal was just brute force against a still stunned set of players.

Being that it was an MHR 90+ rated team, well, it could have gotten real ugly, real quick. Skill teams scoring right out of the gate like that are generally capable of steamrolling opponents.

Sure, he went to the bench pissed off, embarrassed, and I think was skipped over for his next shift or two...but he didn't implode and play like crap for the rest of the game.

Next shift out -- it was gone...the anger, the embarrassment, the humiliation. Gone.

Some may think that's a terrible player trait, you know, that playing WITH emotion is what makes players great...but it's not.

I know a lot of people say that...but the people who actually believe it are wrong.

Game ended in a 2-2 tie.

My kid was on the ice for all four goals.

He didn't let the two quick ones against sink him for the rest of the game -- not for a second.

That's emotion control.

Not skill.

Not hockey IQ.

Playing with emotion -- but in total control of it -- is what differentiates players on yet another plane.

Goalies are the best litmus test in hockey for this sort of evaluation.

We've all had goalies in youth hockey that just completely fall apart once a couple get by them.

Like, total implosion, tantrums, you know, slamming their stick on the crossbar...and then they let four more past them....including one from center ice.

If you're more than a single season into youth hockey, you've seen it.

But you don't see too many of that sort from age 12 on up -- they're bested by goalies who can move on from a goal or two against.

It's not a lack of emotion...it's a control of emotion.

The kids skating out -- well, I'm not sure when the cool headed players start to outnumber the loose cannons. I haven't yet seen the scales deinitively tip on that for the skaters.

Controlling the emotions takes practice. Years of practice -- just like skating or stick handling.

It's hardly shocking to me when I see kids in tears coming off the ice after a championship loss -- we're not talking "final high school game ever" stuff here either, we're talking about junk like the CCM President's Day Llama Cup tournament -- and then you match them up to how their parents act in the stands.

Apple never falls far from the tree.

And, like, I really value having a younger player too where tears in the locker room or handshake line are more prevalent -- stark contrast to the atmosphere of my older boys' teams -- but it's really uplifting when I've already noticed some parents "coaching" their kids to take the losses in stride.

Those kids are gonna be great as teenagers.

My wife gives me a hard time on stuff like this -- don't tamp down your emotions -- and I agree with that whole heartedly.

This is slightly different, though...

Delicate subject and a fine line to straddle.

Showing emotion is an asset, absolutely. But also being able to control your emotions is an added boost.

I'm not saying "Don't cry...ever."

I cry watching movies. Bad movies.

I'm more saying, "Hey, this isn't really that big of a deal... Don't sweat the small stuff."

And, yes, the CCM President's Day Llama Cup constitutes as smaller than small.

Even if the Little Caesar's team was there...with airline luggage tags on their hockey bags.

It doesn't matter at all. None of it does.

Especially at mite or squirt.

Be vested. Not invested.

There is no "return" on hockey if you consider it an investment. A financial investment, that is.

Sorry -- your kid isn't making the NHL. You should never look at it that way.

I'm vested in my kids' hockey. I'm committed to it. I enjoy it. I want to see how it turns out -- they're my kids, afterall -- and I'm totally content with how it's going to end when we get to the end.

If I looked at it as an investment...well, the numbers clearly indicate that I'm making a terrible investment, there won't be a return (unless one somehow goes to the NHL), and I've set myself up for significant financial loss and disappointment.

I'm not there. Well, I am. I mean, there has absolutely been significant financial loss -- we're nearing the $200k mark -- but I don't have an ounce of disappointment over it.

As a parent, all that matters is that they're having fun...and are getting better.

And, don't get me wrong -- I'm not one of those "it's supposed to be fun all the time" sports parents. Oh hell no... For $5k+ per season, I have high expectations so I want my kids to be pushed to the brink of tears at least 3 times per week but, at the same time, have my kids openly realize on their own that hard work nets results.

It's fun to win.

To win, you have to be good.

To be good, you need to be pushed.

It's all connected.

But even a terrible season isn't the end.

So if this season is going worse than you'd hoped...and you're starting to get the "December Doubts"...try to disconnect your emotions.

Is your kid getting better?

If so...they're gonna be just fine as long as YOU'RE not the one bringing them down.

For the really crazy parents out there, I'll shout it from the back...POINTS DON'T MATTER!

Stop encouraging goals. So many terrible player habits come from it...and you'll eventually realize players that can "finish" are a dime a dozen.

Always easily replaceable.

You have to live it to understand it and I understand that...but I guarantee, the player on your mite, squirt, or peewee roster that might not have a single goal yet, two months into the season, will be among the few that goes the furthest in hockey.

Those are the "sleepers" that are developing the skills that take years to master. The same skills that the scoring machines (and their parents) see zero value in.

Being bigger or faster or stronger is an advantageous trait. It's not a skill.

Top player on my youngest son's team is a dark horse. Well, not to me...I see it...but only cause I've seen it before.

And I'm pretty certain the coach sees it, as well. Good coaches have "done this before" too.

If this kid sticks with hockey, no doubt in my mind, he'll be the success story.

My kid will be the mascot.

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Agree? Disagree? Let me know -- I love the feedback from all angles!

Chris Rutsch

Hockey Dad

Year round, I spend a significant amount of time and money transporting my three boys to and from freezing cold ice rinks. Not because I expect them to make it to the NHL but because I know the rigorous youth hockey experience will serve them well in the future.